when a pandemic saves

i’ve been enjoying my space and my breath and my existence during this Great Pause. i think this is what my body and spirit have needed for a long time, years probably. to simple sit in my own shadow and be quiet and listen to the world be quiet too. the silence of being sits well with me.

i started seeing guides and suggestions and apps, all well meaning but in a voice that said be productive again. write your novel, start your podcast, find a cure, produce, produce, produce. that guilt came back, the one that told me i wasn’t using a meditation app at least once a day and ‘taking a break’ by running once a day and somehow producing so much content. but i want to lay and i want to sit and i want to stop spinning on the hamster wheel and just simply, simply, heal. isn’t that enough?

i wanted pause. and i didn’t know how badly i needed it until a global pandemic. everything in me needed silence and spaces and sustenance. i’m not grateful for the pandemic. i’m not grateful that thousands of lives are gone forever and a whole world has been sent into panic and previously ineffective and unequal structures have been submerged into a water and the ones trapped in them may not survive. it’s a tragedy that it took all of that for me to feel this. it’s an earthquake of a loss. i am lucky to notice quiet, i am privileged to be able to sit, i am blessed to be in silence.

and now that i’ve noticed, there’s no going back.

it’s not that quarantine is wonderful. it’s not that i don’t feel claustrophobic and crushed and clamped some days. it’s not that i don’t have a mental break every once in a while over the state of our world. it’s not that i didn’t stress-buy 4 kinds of tea. i am all of those things. but now there is silence after i am those things. to recover; make changes; take breaks; go outside; watch youtube videos. to revel in joy right after i revel in hate. the duality maintains the balance. i am unsurprised.

i love how slowly the days go. i can form full thoughts and sometimes even execute them. i feel powerful and in control for the first time in forever. this is what quiet sounds like. it sounds, a lot like me.

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