Not Knowing

Not Knowing

That’s what I do a lot of lately. I think it’s a side effect of being 18. Or of being alive. Because the longer I’m alive the more certain I am that no one else really knows what they’re doing either. Most are reluctant to admit it. Most will seem a bit shell-shocked if you don’t have at least a 10 year plan from this day. But I’m pretty sure most are faking. I’m a planner. Always have been; it’s a blessing and a curse. When I was applying to colleges I barely slept for 3 months because I was so worried and stressed about where I would be living in a year. And here I am. Happy where I’m at. And I don’t think a lack of sleep made the decision any easier. It’s difficult not to stress when every distant aquaintence wants to know what you’re doing and when for the rest of your life and you’re sitting here wearing mismatched fuzzy socks because you haven’t even done laundry in 3 weeks. Adult. As an Undecided major I always dread explaining that quite frankly I’m just very undecided. I always receive a lot of sympathetic sad smiles and a few raised eyebrows. In college you will meet a lot of people who seem to have the next 7 years planned out down to the minute. And you will want to quit and crawl into your bed and watch Parks and Rec for the next 3 years instead. I’m usually tempted to do that about twice a week. But the strange and wonderful thing about plans is that they honestly hardly ever turn out how you actually plan. So often things turn out so much better. What we will want in ten years is most likely not exactly the same as what we want right now. Ten years ago I think I would have been very satisfied with approximately 3 Webkinz. Statistically we underestimate just how drastically time changes our priorities. Sometimes you have to just let go and trust the universe. Which can be very difficult when you’re a type A control freak, I do realize. Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be. In 18 years I’ve seen things fall into place. Maybe not seamlessly, not painlessly, not perfectly, but they always  do. And yes, I will probably continue planning 99.9% of every aspect of my life for the rest of my life but I will do my best not to lose too much sleep over it. Whatever your spiritual inclination, we can all centrally agree there are some parts of life we simply cannot control. So why pretend we can? And while it is ideal to hope for the best and plan for the worst, it’s fine to be undecided. It’s alright to be figuring out. I think it might be okay to not know.